My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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