This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
