Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
