How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I look better un-naked...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
