I want to stick my p in your. b.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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