Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize