somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
