I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
