I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
