Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
