sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
