dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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