i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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