Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
