Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
People in love make me want to vomit
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
