Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
