i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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