"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
