I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
