Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
