Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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