textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
