That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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