You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
