the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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