I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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