I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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