No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
