Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We have started to decorate penises.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
