There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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