the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
