Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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