i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
