as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
