It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
