Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
