Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
