allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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