a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
