I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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