After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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