i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
