Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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