I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
