What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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