when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize