The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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