12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
