Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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