Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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