and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
