so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
