I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
