If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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