Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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