I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
me + whiskey = a bad person
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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