This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
