i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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