see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
