It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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