The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
