Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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