Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
